Forums · I don't really get description...
So, in my AP Language and Composition class, we're going over description. I'm no stranger to it, but I've never really been good at describing stuff in my writing. Part of this is that I usually skip descriptions. I mean, I don't care what a house looks like, and if someone describes how a character looks in a story, I usually skip that description and substitute my own idea of how they look, y'know? So it's kinda difficult to me, but I gotta get better at it if I wanna be a good writer, no?
Anyway, so my teacher made us write a 300-word descriptive essay of a topic of our choosing. This is what I've got, but...I dunno, I'm not sure if it's really descriptive or not, so I need some feedback on this:
It was the perfect spring day. There wasn?t a cloud in the blue sky. It was pleasantly warm. There was little breeze. Bluebirds flew from lush green trees, chirping as the soared. Three people were dying.
At an intersection a few feet from one of those lush green trees on that lovely spring day, two cars had collided with impressive force. A young woman talking on her cell phone with her friend in the passenger?s seat, having the right of way, turned right onto the street and had immediately been smacked by some guy going 95 in a 45 down the wrong side of the road?no doubt aided with some sort of liquor or other drug. The woman drove a used ?06 green sports car, the man an old ?97 Dodge with faded red paint. Although you might have had some trouble guessing that if you saw the aftermath; the sports car?s right head light was shattered, the wheels crunched, the left door punched far inward, the windows broken, and the paint job more or less ruined. The Dodge looked no better: broken windshield, scrunched hood, pouring exhaust, and overall one unsavory sight.
The resulting scene was obviously ghastly. The sports car was in the middle of the intersection, a sad sight of twisted metal. Glass and plastic littered the street. The driver was unconscious. Her friend had died instantly on impact. To save the reader from undesirable images, we will refrain from intimately describing their appearances. The man in the Dodge, with its front folded up like an accordion, was faring no better. Thick smoke and exhaust poured heavily from what was once an automobile. The unfortunate man was going?going?gone. A small pool of his blood stained the street dark brown.
This had all happened with a terrific SSSCCREEECH! KER-RASH! tinkle. Incidentally, it wasn?t a lonely intersection, and many shocked bystanders witnessed the events. It happened only five minutes ago. No one had called 911 yet.
The more witnesses there are to an accident, the less likely one is to get help. It?s called Bystander Apathy. It?s not an uncommon phenomenon.
By about 15 minutes after the accident, though, someone had contacted the authorities; after all, people needed to get places and the accident was blocking traffic. Ambulances and police cars arrived soon after. Cops interviewed people for accounts of the accident. Paramedics carted the unconscious woman into an ambulance and rushed her to the hospital, where she would fade not long after. Other paramedics gathered the two dead bodies, shook their heads at the poor souls' fates, and generously covered the victims with white sheets for the viewing comfort of the audience.
A bluebird flew overhead, chirping.
On a separate note, how do you get indentations to show up on this site?
Anyway, so my teacher made us write a 300-word descriptive essay of a topic of our choosing. This is what I've got, but...I dunno, I'm not sure if it's really descriptive or not, so I need some feedback on this:
It was the perfect spring day. There wasn?t a cloud in the blue sky. It was pleasantly warm. There was little breeze. Bluebirds flew from lush green trees, chirping as the soared. Three people were dying.
At an intersection a few feet from one of those lush green trees on that lovely spring day, two cars had collided with impressive force. A young woman talking on her cell phone with her friend in the passenger?s seat, having the right of way, turned right onto the street and had immediately been smacked by some guy going 95 in a 45 down the wrong side of the road?no doubt aided with some sort of liquor or other drug. The woman drove a used ?06 green sports car, the man an old ?97 Dodge with faded red paint. Although you might have had some trouble guessing that if you saw the aftermath; the sports car?s right head light was shattered, the wheels crunched, the left door punched far inward, the windows broken, and the paint job more or less ruined. The Dodge looked no better: broken windshield, scrunched hood, pouring exhaust, and overall one unsavory sight.
The resulting scene was obviously ghastly. The sports car was in the middle of the intersection, a sad sight of twisted metal. Glass and plastic littered the street. The driver was unconscious. Her friend had died instantly on impact. To save the reader from undesirable images, we will refrain from intimately describing their appearances. The man in the Dodge, with its front folded up like an accordion, was faring no better. Thick smoke and exhaust poured heavily from what was once an automobile. The unfortunate man was going?going?gone. A small pool of his blood stained the street dark brown.
This had all happened with a terrific SSSCCREEECH! KER-RASH! tinkle. Incidentally, it wasn?t a lonely intersection, and many shocked bystanders witnessed the events. It happened only five minutes ago. No one had called 911 yet.
The more witnesses there are to an accident, the less likely one is to get help. It?s called Bystander Apathy. It?s not an uncommon phenomenon.
By about 15 minutes after the accident, though, someone had contacted the authorities; after all, people needed to get places and the accident was blocking traffic. Ambulances and police cars arrived soon after. Cops interviewed people for accounts of the accident. Paramedics carted the unconscious woman into an ambulance and rushed her to the hospital, where she would fade not long after. Other paramedics gathered the two dead bodies, shook their heads at the poor souls' fates, and generously covered the victims with white sheets for the viewing comfort of the audience.
A bluebird flew overhead, chirping.
On a separate note, how do you get indentations to show up on this site?
I like it. Your descriptions are fairly, um, descriptive <__< I agree with Starly though. And, I know its unrelated to the point of your essay and somewhat trivial, but what point of view is this meant to be written from? The style seems like a witness POV, but the "To save the reader.." line makes it a little weird.
| QUOTE (Forte Dante @ Sep 28 2007, 08:56 AM) |
| I like it. Your descriptions are fairly, um, descriptive <__< I agree with Starly though. And, I know its unrelated to the point of your essay and somewhat trivial, but what point of view is this meant to be written from? The style seems like a witness POV, but the "To save the reader.." line makes it a little weird. |
It's 3rd-person omniscient. And the, "To save the reader..." part is just how I write, it's weird.
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