Forums · This story is as of yet untitled.
Everybody's been to one of those dives, at least once or twice. You know the type. Dim neon lighting, too-casual lounge space, outdated music just a little too loud. More than a handful of regulars that know Joey the bartender by name. One of those terminally stuck in the 80s places, really. Me? I prefer the cool clubs that are hard to get into. Problem is, I can't get into them. Still, the service here wasn't all that bad. It was early still, and the real hot ones don't start coming in until eleven or so.
Personally, I'm a people person. A storyteller, I've been called. Guy in the corner? Lonely type, looking for a place to fit in, because it sure ain't happening at school for him. Hottie blonde at the table there? Sweet, but not too bright. Probably looking for the fast track out of school and into some guy's bank account. The suit heading out the door? Dull as stone, but has or comes from good money. He'd have to, to snag that babe he's leaving with. You can tell a lot by people just by looking at them, and they all have stories to tell. I have my own story too (Who doesn't?), but that's a tale for another time. Tonight's story, however, starts with a girl. Don't they all?
Two nights ago, I caught a glimpse of this real beauty sitting alone at one of those tables made for four. Brunette, big bright eyes, and lips to die for. Body wasn't hard on the eyes either. I bet she had a smile to die for, but it wasn't there that night. "Can I get you a drink?" I asked her. "You're looking a bit down, like you got something on your mind. There something you want to talk about?" Definitely not my usual pickup, but sometimes you get one that's a little off balance. A good player's gotta know how to adjust, you know?
"Oh, no. No thanks. I'm here with my husband, actually." She flashed me her ring, then went back to looking down.
"Ah, how romantic! My name's Alan, by the way. Pleased to meet you."
"Alyssa. Charmed." She smiled in that polite way. I took her hand and kissed it, just as politely.
"That's a beautiful ring you have there. You here on honeymoon?" She had that signature newlywed twinkle in her eye, and was dolled up a little too nice to be a local. That, and her ring was just too squeaky clean.
She stammered a bit. "Oh, um... Yes, actually. How did you- I mean, is it that obvious?"
"Let's just say I have my ways, yeah?" I grinned and took the seat across from her. "So, where's the lucky man?"
"Just getting me a drink, I think. Yes, he's right over there." She pointed to a man at the bar. "Yeah, he's right there, next to-"
"-Eric," I finished for her. She tilted her head, more confused now than anything else. Eric was one of those guys that knew Joey the bartender. His story? Been through some hard times, probably some family problems. His parents, not his own family. He's got a chip on his shoulder, like the world owes him something."Tell me, does your husband know that guy? He here on business?" Just then, the husband turned to see me chatting up his new wife. Na?vely, he rushed right over, giving me that knowing eye contact as he strolled. A good sign. He cared for his wife, and probably wasn't too caught up in the game. Yet.
"Hi, you must be the husband!" I said, dripping with obviously fake enthusiasm. I didn't stand to greet him. "You know, I don't think your name's come up yet..." I let it hang.
"The name's Andrew," he replied curtly. "Tell me, what is it that you were telling my wife here? You seemed so fixated on the conversation."
"Actually, I was just getting to my estate in the south of Spain," I offered lamely. "It's so much more beautiful than the alleys of Los Angeles. Had I known you were here, I would have invited you both. In fact, you're both welcome to come out next summer!" On that, I shot the woman a smiling glance that I could only pray she'd understand as "Trust me and don't say a word."
"Really now. That sounds lovely," Andrew answered cautiously, clearly onto my game. "Then, why is it that you're here in these alleys with us instead of oh, say? six thousand miles away?"
"I know, I must sound like such a hypocrite, ragging on this place when I come here every night. Joey's a nice guy though. See, Spain is just a summer home. Been in the family for centuries. I live here for business. And the bar? Well, how else are you supposed to meet somebody outside work? It's just so hard to make a good connection, you know? Either I got this place, or I got a dark apartment, a football game, and a six-pack of beers. Take your pick. Anyway, I just thought the lovely lady might enjoy an equally lovely honeymoon. Really Andy, doing business this soon after your wedding? It's a sin! You ought to take her to the pier or something, then go home and test out the furniture, if you know what I mean." At this point, I was looking for the fastest way out of here. One thing you learn from a lot of time in a bar is how to strike up painfully awkward situations. Normally not a good thing, but this little encounter needed to end. I turned to the lady. "Darling, would you mind picking up a drink from the bar for me? I promise I'll be out of your hair after this." She hesitated for a moment, then rose only when I gave her that same "Trust me," look that I did before. People say I have honest eyes. Makes me a better liar, I think.
As soon as she was up, I turned back to Andrew, who looked about ready to slam his fist into my face. Not a graceful man by any means. Still, I had to know if he was my man. "Look man," I said, holding up a hand. "You're not the only one here on business. That guy Eric? Bad news. Whatever he's got you in, don't do it. I've been around a long time, and I'll tell you right now, nothing good's ever come out of that guy." On that, I left. Didn't give Andrew a chance to get another word. He'd be back tomorrow anyway, just like the rest of them.
I should probably mention that Eric is a known dealer in this part of town. Not one of those top guys, but still a player. Don't know what got him into it, but he's good at what he does. Gotta respect that about the man. He knows what he wants to do and he knows how to do it without getting caught. And me? I'm the detective that's going to catch the scumbag in the act.
Last night, I strolled into the bar a bit earlier than usual. No surprise, Eric was already curled up in a corner with the daily paper. Comics section. Figures. "Hey Joey," I called. "Come over here. Let me talk to you for a minute." We stood a bit out of earshot from the few people that wandered in early. The early folks usually top off at one drink. I wonder why they even come in at all, to be honest. "Alright Joey, it's going down tonight. You know how he does things the second night. They get in, they get out, it's all real quick. I can't call anyone in until I see something happen, and you know they take a while to get here. This creep isn't sliding this time. You need to distract them long enough for the officers to get here. Hey, you should go for the girl. You could use the practice anyway."
"Alan, I know what you're getting at here, but why me? I'm just the guy who serves drinks. I don't want any trouble. So why me?"
"You know why you. Your record ain't exactly spotless either. A lot of guys would want to know about some of those bets you fixed, including my own boss. You remember that, and maybe you can come away clean. It's part of that whole repentance deal."
"Fine then. But why you? Yeah, Eric's into some bad stuff, but he's not hurting anyone. Why's he matter to you?"
"We all got something to atone for. Now you just do your part. I'm not asking much of you here, so go with it. And hey, you're the bartender. Get me a drink. My usual, and you're paying for it."
And obviously, this isn't complete, and probably never will be. Still, thoughts and comments about the voice, characterization, and genre would be appreciated.
Personally, I'm a people person. A storyteller, I've been called. Guy in the corner? Lonely type, looking for a place to fit in, because it sure ain't happening at school for him. Hottie blonde at the table there? Sweet, but not too bright. Probably looking for the fast track out of school and into some guy's bank account. The suit heading out the door? Dull as stone, but has or comes from good money. He'd have to, to snag that babe he's leaving with. You can tell a lot by people just by looking at them, and they all have stories to tell. I have my own story too (Who doesn't?), but that's a tale for another time. Tonight's story, however, starts with a girl. Don't they all?
Two nights ago, I caught a glimpse of this real beauty sitting alone at one of those tables made for four. Brunette, big bright eyes, and lips to die for. Body wasn't hard on the eyes either. I bet she had a smile to die for, but it wasn't there that night. "Can I get you a drink?" I asked her. "You're looking a bit down, like you got something on your mind. There something you want to talk about?" Definitely not my usual pickup, but sometimes you get one that's a little off balance. A good player's gotta know how to adjust, you know?
"Oh, no. No thanks. I'm here with my husband, actually." She flashed me her ring, then went back to looking down.
"Ah, how romantic! My name's Alan, by the way. Pleased to meet you."
"Alyssa. Charmed." She smiled in that polite way. I took her hand and kissed it, just as politely.
"That's a beautiful ring you have there. You here on honeymoon?" She had that signature newlywed twinkle in her eye, and was dolled up a little too nice to be a local. That, and her ring was just too squeaky clean.
She stammered a bit. "Oh, um... Yes, actually. How did you- I mean, is it that obvious?"
"Let's just say I have my ways, yeah?" I grinned and took the seat across from her. "So, where's the lucky man?"
"Just getting me a drink, I think. Yes, he's right over there." She pointed to a man at the bar. "Yeah, he's right there, next to-"
"-Eric," I finished for her. She tilted her head, more confused now than anything else. Eric was one of those guys that knew Joey the bartender. His story? Been through some hard times, probably some family problems. His parents, not his own family. He's got a chip on his shoulder, like the world owes him something."Tell me, does your husband know that guy? He here on business?" Just then, the husband turned to see me chatting up his new wife. Na?vely, he rushed right over, giving me that knowing eye contact as he strolled. A good sign. He cared for his wife, and probably wasn't too caught up in the game. Yet.
"Hi, you must be the husband!" I said, dripping with obviously fake enthusiasm. I didn't stand to greet him. "You know, I don't think your name's come up yet..." I let it hang.
"The name's Andrew," he replied curtly. "Tell me, what is it that you were telling my wife here? You seemed so fixated on the conversation."
"Actually, I was just getting to my estate in the south of Spain," I offered lamely. "It's so much more beautiful than the alleys of Los Angeles. Had I known you were here, I would have invited you both. In fact, you're both welcome to come out next summer!" On that, I shot the woman a smiling glance that I could only pray she'd understand as "Trust me and don't say a word."
"Really now. That sounds lovely," Andrew answered cautiously, clearly onto my game. "Then, why is it that you're here in these alleys with us instead of oh, say? six thousand miles away?"
"I know, I must sound like such a hypocrite, ragging on this place when I come here every night. Joey's a nice guy though. See, Spain is just a summer home. Been in the family for centuries. I live here for business. And the bar? Well, how else are you supposed to meet somebody outside work? It's just so hard to make a good connection, you know? Either I got this place, or I got a dark apartment, a football game, and a six-pack of beers. Take your pick. Anyway, I just thought the lovely lady might enjoy an equally lovely honeymoon. Really Andy, doing business this soon after your wedding? It's a sin! You ought to take her to the pier or something, then go home and test out the furniture, if you know what I mean." At this point, I was looking for the fastest way out of here. One thing you learn from a lot of time in a bar is how to strike up painfully awkward situations. Normally not a good thing, but this little encounter needed to end. I turned to the lady. "Darling, would you mind picking up a drink from the bar for me? I promise I'll be out of your hair after this." She hesitated for a moment, then rose only when I gave her that same "Trust me," look that I did before. People say I have honest eyes. Makes me a better liar, I think.
As soon as she was up, I turned back to Andrew, who looked about ready to slam his fist into my face. Not a graceful man by any means. Still, I had to know if he was my man. "Look man," I said, holding up a hand. "You're not the only one here on business. That guy Eric? Bad news. Whatever he's got you in, don't do it. I've been around a long time, and I'll tell you right now, nothing good's ever come out of that guy." On that, I left. Didn't give Andrew a chance to get another word. He'd be back tomorrow anyway, just like the rest of them.
I should probably mention that Eric is a known dealer in this part of town. Not one of those top guys, but still a player. Don't know what got him into it, but he's good at what he does. Gotta respect that about the man. He knows what he wants to do and he knows how to do it without getting caught. And me? I'm the detective that's going to catch the scumbag in the act.
Last night, I strolled into the bar a bit earlier than usual. No surprise, Eric was already curled up in a corner with the daily paper. Comics section. Figures. "Hey Joey," I called. "Come over here. Let me talk to you for a minute." We stood a bit out of earshot from the few people that wandered in early. The early folks usually top off at one drink. I wonder why they even come in at all, to be honest. "Alright Joey, it's going down tonight. You know how he does things the second night. They get in, they get out, it's all real quick. I can't call anyone in until I see something happen, and you know they take a while to get here. This creep isn't sliding this time. You need to distract them long enough for the officers to get here. Hey, you should go for the girl. You could use the practice anyway."
"Alan, I know what you're getting at here, but why me? I'm just the guy who serves drinks. I don't want any trouble. So why me?"
"You know why you. Your record ain't exactly spotless either. A lot of guys would want to know about some of those bets you fixed, including my own boss. You remember that, and maybe you can come away clean. It's part of that whole repentance deal."
"Fine then. But why you? Yeah, Eric's into some bad stuff, but he's not hurting anyone. Why's he matter to you?"
"We all got something to atone for. Now you just do your part. I'm not asking much of you here, so go with it. And hey, you're the bartender. Get me a drink. My usual, and you're paying for it."
And obviously, this isn't complete, and probably never will be. Still, thoughts and comments about the voice, characterization, and genre would be appreciated.
Impressively written.
I find what fixates me the most to many written stories is intelligent dialogue and, I gotta say, this story fixated me. I love perceptive, intelligent, cool characters. Who doesn't? James Bond has the world around his finger.
I also enjoyed the clever wee quips such as, "People say I have honest eyes. Makes me a better liar, I think." Very cool.
Lastly, Fantasty the term used to describe, as you said, 'Stories where the main character is the "I"' is First Person.
I find what fixates me the most to many written stories is intelligent dialogue and, I gotta say, this story fixated me. I love perceptive, intelligent, cool characters. Who doesn't? James Bond has the world around his finger.
I also enjoyed the clever wee quips such as, "People say I have honest eyes. Makes me a better liar, I think." Very cool.
Lastly, Fantasty the term used to describe, as you said, 'Stories where the main character is the "I"' is First Person.
No, probably not. I did enjoy writing his voice, but it's so far out of my usual style that it's actually tiring, in a way. It's unnatural for me >_<. There's also the fact that I don't know crap about real detective work or about the crime community...
